| .tired of these old songs we wrote. |
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| 06:47pm 19/10/2009 |
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mood:  i'd be happier as a moron. music: i will follow you into the dark
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Observation: I only ever update when I'm in a shitty mood.
It's been a little over a year and I'm dealing as well as I can. The holidays this year are going to be difficult, what with my once monthly freakouts and crying jags. One of my friends is already planning a potluck dinner for this year, which triggered a nice bout of panic and worry.
Maybe this isn't the best time to be trying to build a relationship. Again. With someone I'm very interested in a future with. I'm secretly terrified he's going to change his mind overnight or find someone that's better than me(not that that's possible) and leave just like every other guy I've had hope in, dad included.
Leaving scares me.
I'm awfully neurotic as of late.
I should say something about this. |
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| .ghosts of summers past(not the usual ones). |
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| 12:23pm 18/08/2009 |
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mood:  sad music: mazzy star
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I turn 24 next week.
It dawned on my the other day that no matter if we were speaking or not, my father got me something small for my birthday. Last year, I didn't receive the usual humorous card from him and I remembered that he was already dead on the floor for about a month at that point.
Somewhere in time, a lonely girl invites friends to a summer slumber party and no one comes. Her father finds the invitations in the tree house some years later, amidst homemade first aid kits and teen magazines, and cries. |
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| .in like flint. |
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| 02:45pm 09/07/2009 |
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mood:  hopeful music: mazzy star
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I think I had a date yesterday/day before. If a guy doesn't let you pay for anything, that's a date right?
We played drunken scrabble, hiked a mountain, made with the sexin', and got minimal amounts of sleep. Last weekend, we camped and he was witness to the trainwreck I can become after visiting Twelvepackistan armed with bourbon. Still wanted to hang out after I called him the wrong name in bed and threw up, so I think he's a keeper.
I'm a bit nervous about pursueing this. All men are liars and while I want to see some good in everything, past experiences tell me otherwise. Time will tell. |
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| .should have known this was coming, he never could be bothered to learn. |
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| 02:55pm 26/06/2009 |
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mood:  bitter music: the virgin prunes
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You used to dream, open heart, open arms. I ran into you last week and my, have you changed-not for the better. Skinny, pale, and jerkily moving about, you banter about how this girl is nice and your mum is still overbearing. I don’t think it’s them. I know full well why we don’t speak any more, and it is certainly not because of me. You have never thanked me for that job, or those times I drove you to where you needed to be, punctual as I never am, or those times I tried to put your phone-and life-back together. I read the other day that this generation has written its memoirs early; we may not be the generation being spoke of, but I’ll be damned if you don’t already have one foot in the grave. I want you to be happy; I did not realize that you are happiest face down in the gutter, no face turned toward the stars...the future.
With this in mind, I want to think of me the next time you stick a dirty needle in your arm to feel something, to fill some inner void. I want you to think of me the next time you wake up in the hospital or stare at the ceiling of a jail cell in Essex County. I want you to think of me the next time you are hospitalized for an overdose. I want you to recognize me in every girl you see walking down the street that is happy with where she is. I want you to remember those times on your front stoop that meant so much at the time and know that time will not repeat.
The state would have paid for treatment. You could have succeeded this time, but as always, you stick with what is comfortable and known. You may be dead and just another pipe dream by next year. I will be alive and well and I want you to know that every time I see another junkie, I will spit upon them and think of you. Leech.
It's only a matter of time before I bury you for real. |
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| .ruminations on a suicide. |
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| 10:46pm 24/02/2009 |
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mood: mellow music: combichrist
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I had to write a personal essay for my english comp class this week. I find the class to be enjoyable, but of course, it would only be better if it were a class to see who's more British(English Competition, get it?), so I'm making do with writing things instead.
Here's the essay.
( The other shoe dropped ) |
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| .four funerals, no fucking wedding. |
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| 04:46pm 08/10/2008 |
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mood:  distressed music: elysia - incinerate.
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They found dad's body.
He'd been dead for at least 6 weeks on the bedroom floor of the house in Vernon(3rd mortgage). From starvation.
Bastard committed the slowest suicide I've ever seen and was reduced to eating spices from the spice rack toward the end.
All the paperwork in the house, including family photos had been shredded. No deed. No will. No note. No nothing, but a metric shit-ton of debt. The house was wiped clean of any personal identifiers.
I'm the sole heir to a whole crapload of nothing. Thanks, dick.
ps. I'm selling your tools to pay for college. |
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| .suspension, suspend. |
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| 02:58pm 16/06/2008 |
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mood: pensive music: portishead
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I realized the other day that Cory makes a better friend than anything else. And so I told him that...the feeling is mutual. I believe I'm hormonal right now and that a certain female aquaintanace named Stef is a piece of shit. If it wasn't for her coming out the other night, I think things would have been fine. She's just one of those people that I wouldn't trust to be alone in my house with me.
Life is back to semi-normal. I have a date to go see the Coney Island Mermaid Parade this Saturday(lacey, can you meet me there?).
I also want to go back to Maryland. It's been almost a month and I miss the people I met there. It felt so normal. Janelle found me on myspazz and bme and friended me. She's rad. I was also talking to Maxine earlier. It may not be the socially acceptable norm to hang from hooks in your back, but dammit if didn't feel completely right. Now that I'm thinking about it, I should just try to recreate that feeling of home up here in NJ. This is my home, so shouldn't I surround myself with people that think similarly? I was only there for one night...but as I sat there discussing music and fiberglass covered gummy bears with complete strangers, it felt so easy.
I don't know where I'm going. |
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| .killing yourself to live. |
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| 03:51pm 02/05/2008 |
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mood:  creative music: snapcase
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Back home after 3 days of learning to live again. This is just what I've needed to clear my head and slur my stroll.
Spring brings with it a chance to chuck out the old and bring in the new. Start over, keep it going, follow what feels right. I'm blocking out those feelings of ages to keep that zest for life.
Let's go bomb some buildings. I'll bring the stencils, if you bring the ideaology. |
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| .the wasteland. |
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| 01:57pm 14/04/2008 |
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mood: nostalgic music: the cranberries
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Tuesday mornings are the loneliest time of the week. I should be pushing this feeling back where it belongs, buried under months of longing; this is loss of control.
But this, this is living. This is, truth.
I've sabotaged my own relationships(unsustainable) for singular botched chance, yet I still hope. I want you to thrive as a human, even if it means putting up a facade of indifference. The eyes will always give it away. It's in how your touch lingers and for a fleeting moment, I'm back on your front stoop, years ago. Summer is approaching again and it's true when they say that April is the cruelest month. You'll be home in a month and I'm fairly certain we won't be picking up where we left off.
"Just give me a chance". When it dawned that you were talking about a job, my face probably cracked a bit. It was every single word I wanted out of that mouth of yours, but in entirely the wrong context.
Last night Folly played their last show. Afterward, Sarar and I dinered and wined and agreed that it feels like closing a chapter of our lives. Where to now? |
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| .state of the scene. |
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| 12:11pm 04/03/2008 |
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mood: ancient. music: AFI - love like winter.
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So.
I've gone to two shows within the past couple of days and boy howdy, do I feel old. The other night I think I was the second oldest person at the venue.
Last night, I drove out to Netcong to see SYNT and The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza. The bands were great, but the crowd...lacked a certain finesse. I was standing to the back, just watching one of the bands and some troll of a girl donkey-kicks me in the thigh(she couldn't reach any higher) and I wind up hyperextending my left knee. All my weight was on the leg she kicked out from under me. No apology, no concern, no help back on my feet from a single kid there.
For that matter, no really helped anyone back up.
It seems to me like the hardcore scene is all about bashing someone's face in(not that there's anything wrong with that) and has lost sight of the original unity. If you're not really friends with the big dudes that move like angry hippopatumusses, chances are you could be trampled and no one would care. I understand that violence is pretty much inherent within that given form of music, but I remember when it was more controlled and when someone was hurt, people stepped up to help. Maybe I grew up with a different mindset of helping out fellow members of the scene. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned.
Or are we so self-centered as to think that someone else will provide the actions that we should be performing as a common human courtesy?
I must be old fashioned. I'm still here to experience the music and have fun, not knock someone unconcious. |
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| .here's some incoherent babble about how the modern age is ruining us all. |
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| 04:21pm 04/12/2007 |
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mood:  crazy music: tv babble.
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It's that time of year again. You know, the time that I bitch and moan about how much I can't stand Xmas and all that holiday cheer crap. So, let's just skip over my usual crap about mass consumerism and screaming brats this time around. This year, let's focus our attentions on the electronic gizmos that seem to be pushed upon us, like dope pushed on grammar school kids. Every where you turn this season, there's something that talks, walks, beeps, plays music, and a dozen other things. Oh goody, more toys that annoy and use at least 5 batteries at once.
Ok. So I have a grudge against technology and am too much of a klutz to work most of it.
Read the article about the AmazonKindle. Read it, I dare you.
The very fact of a device about to hit the market that would make books obsolete makes me shudder and quake. It's not just that I'm a bibliophile at heart. It's not just that Gutenberg is rolling over in his grave. It's more along the lines of gadget-overload. Do we, as Americans, really need another gadget or gizmo that does something "better" than the original object? Techology is going to be our downfall. Within the next generation, we will forget how to do things. We already are a nation of swine. We will be a nation of veal, living in boxes with no outside contact, unable to wipe our own asses without the aid of an "advanced" toilet.
Did you know that people who use the computer/internet for a large percentage of their day, have a higher depression rate? Take that fat, and chew on it.
This is going all over the place. I don't trust technology and neither should you. Credit cards and online banking make me nervous. I don't like the idea of GPS units and tracking people. Don't get me started on microchipping pets(and children). I think navigational devices are idiotic(improving upon a map?). I like my cellphone to take make phone calls, instead of playing music or taking low-quality photos to upload onto my various online profiles. Sure, as you all read this, picture me typing away on an older model computer and thinking about the day technology fails us all. IT WILL FAIL EVENTUALLY. And when it does, I'll be much happier. We can go back outside and remember how to be self-sufficient without something that whirs, bangs, clicks, or presses your underpants for you.
I'm gonna go learn how to can and preserve food now, for when this all comes crashing down. |
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| .fear and loathing in new jersey. |
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| 12:07am 21/11/2007 |
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mood:  serious. music: the sound of elvis rolling over in his grave.
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The American Dream is not sex, money, drugs, rock and roll, power, a good house, a great car, an expensive education, peace on earth, a family, or any of the other bullshit we are fed every day.
The American Dream is hope. |
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| .vultures. |
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| 01:39pm 21/09/2007 |
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I've been on a more even keel lately. It's been good to know that every move I make is getting me one step closer to where I want to be. I've got a few goals I'm working toward, career-wise, and they both go hand in hand.
Mum left me a note that says we need to discuss a few things that are bothering her. Usually, this boils down to the standard "I think you're on drugs and we can get you help if you need it". Ridiculousness, when you think about it. The only drug I've had recently was Advil. Whoa man, that's living dangerously. I'm drinking far less, so it can't be that. One of these days I'm just going to have to accept that she's paranoid and will always think the worst of my actions, whether it's getting a ticket and forgetting to pay it or staying up til 3am because I worked all evening and am still wound up.
The more I think about this "chat" we're having later, the more I get the feeling we've already had it. She moves in circles, not straight lines. |
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| .1993 called, it wants its soundtracks back. |
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| 01:22am 07/09/2007 |
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mood:  awesome music: mortiis
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Life goes on, complete with beer, relaxing drives, work, good friends, and very old mixtapes.
I have a bank account now and start with the Halloween shopping tomorrow. |
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| .all lights are green after two am. |
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| 01:18pm 13/07/2007 |
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mood: jubilant music: Mad World
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The last few days have been fantastic.
Vern gets out August 2nd. Can't get here fast enough. Cheers buddy. I miss that jerk.
I thought I had a bit of Soap Opera Drama going on yesterday, but it seems to have cleared itself up. Seems, being the operative word there. I don't think this attractive, intelligent, 19 year old boy I have an interest in is being honest with himself. He didn't have any complaints the other night, but then, we all know I'm a bit forceful. His actions are not reflecting his words at all. Is it just a show? I don't doubt it. Works out fine for me though, with Vern coming home. I can't seem to contain this joy. August is going to be a great month, with good friends, new holes in my face, and great shows.
I hope he's home for good.
EDIT: It's the 22nd of August, not the 2nd. Lamesauce. |
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| .no, your doing it all wrong. |
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| 11:25am 25/06/2007 |
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mood: here. music: Oingo Boingo - wild sex in the working class
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I went to a pool party the other day and now look sort of alive. I'm not as ghastly pale as before and my hair lightened from the chlorine. I also managed to lose the right stud in my lip. Let it heal, repierce in a few weeks. It was out for a few hours and started bleeding when I went to reinsert. It's the same one I've had problems with since I got them. Lost my right tunnel too.
I awoke with a start this morning, thinking I'd overslept and would be late for work. Sat in the car for a little over an hour, only to arrive and realize I'm not in until 2:30pm, instead of 9am. I was dead tired yesterday, but still didn't sleep well. I dreamed of animals that couldn't actually exist(a lizard made of plastic? I thought it was a salamander) and just generally tossed and turned. We were in the woods and there was a baby carriage, abandoned off the trail. Dreams leave me tired the next day.
Work this week should be...interesting. I have another close/open Thursday into Friday, after which I'll be treking up to Poughkeepsie with the boys to see The Red Chord and See You Next Tuesday. And an opening shift Saturday. Oof. Work hard, play hard. Or so they say. |
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| .observations on modernity. |
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| 02:21pm 07/05/2007 |
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mood: determined music: sisters of mercy
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All these small towns look the same to me. Turning lanes, traffic lights, housing developments, Walmarts, ShopRites, Halmarks, Exxons, Mobiles, McDonalds, Burger King, Dunkin Donutses(sp?), and the occasional Chinese place. Is this what we've become? A land of stripmalls with no community sense to it? I would rather be defined by the old buildings surrounding me and the ruins of once-great industry than by a neon sign advertising the lowest prices or the lowest fat content or the largest selection of fat content available. Heh, the fat of the land.
There used to be a hardware store on the corner of the street, just down the road a little. The guy there could answer any question you had. It's an antique store now. The tourists will love that. High priced items that half the town has in their attics, tucked away and dusty. There used to be woods surrounding the lake I swam in growing up. The lake is closed now(toxic chemicals or something silly like that) and the woods are a golf course. They're looking to develope the rest of Vernon into a 4-star resort still and there's talk of a 10story water slide in McAfee. Bring in the money from the city folk, create new jobs for the illegal immigrants that Mt. Creek busses in, and make a fucking wreck of a really nice place. Bank on that country feel, but only let them see a few trees. The rest may impede on building expansion.
Plastoids may become another self-storage unit. I'd like to pack roadkill into it if that happens. Wheatsworth Mill is ruined and forgotten, used by kids to drink their dads beer and fishers. There was also talk of turning Plastoids into an old folks home. What about us kids? The reason why the smalltown youth is rambunctious and always breaking into somewhere or trespassing or doing this or that is because there's nothing to do growing up in a town consisting of stripmalls and large corporate chains. Our parents shuffle us out the door, telling us the fresh air will do us good, only to have the friendly local police force tell us we can't hang out here or you can't stand there: that's private property. Property lines mean nothing to a 12 year old.
Rural Suburbia. I can still drive a few minutes and see farms. Another few mintues will take me to a mall. They say that we're better than down below(Bergen and Passaic Counties). I don't see it. Sure, we have more trees, but all these small towns still look the same to me. |
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| .lindsay vs the nj dmv. |
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| 02:30pm 02/05/2007 |
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mood: calm music: robin hood: men in tights
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I know, I know. It's no longer the DMV. We're supposed to call it the MVC or some othersuch alphabet soup. What it is, is a faster pain in the ass. At least my new license photo doesn't look like a mugshot. I had to go back today instead of yesterday since my paperwork wasn't in order. Oh well, cie le guar.
I moved, it went well. The cats missed me and I missed them. Pete has been wonderful, work has been pretty great. I feel much better now that my finances aren't as in the shitter as before. Next month, maybe a new tattoo if I can get all caught up with my bills and budgetting. I've been working a few new ideas for art and my screenprinting is starting to pick up. I'm still not fully unpacked yet.
It's amazing what happens when you get off the internet.
Where will you be when the zombies come? |
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| .ich wohne mit meine katzen. |
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| 12:53pm 20/04/2007 |
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mood:  accomplished music: bouncing souls - say anything
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I'm moving. As in, tomorrow. As in, my new roommates either meow or gave birth to me. That's right folks, I'm moving back with mum to save some money and not be so poor.
My room is pretty much packed. There's some little things here and there that I can't do with Dave home and playing guitar. They'll just come home and find me gone.
If there's one thing I do really well, it's disappear. For once it's working to my advantage. Longer entry later when I'm all set up and stuff. Hello, dialup interwebs. |
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| .omg, i'm on the internet. |
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| 03:22pm 10/04/2007 |
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mood: amused music: converge!
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PLAYLIST
converge
the locust
pg 99
his hero is gone
tragedy
Thanks, yourscenesucks.com. You brought this morning's lulz. |
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girleatsfoetus's journal